A very sad Christmas Eve....

Around 12 noon I got the call from the IVF nurse that my HCG level was only 36 and this pregnancy was not viable. I had a brief meltdown and pulled myself together because I had to. Work was a nightmare which maybe turned out to be a good thing. I called Chris and gave him the bad news. He was much more optimistic than I and when I got home later that day, he wasn't sure he was "ok" with the news. It hit him hard.

I believe I officially had what they call a chemical pregnancy. I had implantation but the embryo did not develop properly. It's more known in someone going through IF treatments because everything is so timed and we are always POAS and running to a lab for b/w that we know the second when we are pg. Most women would never know they had implantation and would just think they were having a heavier than usual period that month.

We made it through Christmas. I'm kind of glad it's over. I couldn't even drink on Christmas because I felt guilty knowing there was something, viable or not, growing inside of me. I think I will feel more closure to this once I get AF and I have an hcg level of 0. I have to call when AF starts and they will have me come in for b/w. I made an appointment to meet with the RE on 1/24/08 to discuss my concerns about my uterine polyps and my request for another D&C. The nurse indicated to me on the phone that polyps are usually not a big deal with implantation but I still feel that maybe they had something to do with this failure. I didn't get a feeling that my request would be honored. I know my RE does not like to take people to the OR unnecessarily. She's going to have to convince me beyond belief that my lining is not an issue. We'll never know why it happened. That's the part that sucks.

Now I'll be glad to see this year go away. I'm not looking forward to another birthday but that's something else I don't have any control over. Chris bought me lots of relaxation and meditation CD's for Christmas. I think he's trying to tell me something. My 2008 goal is to be less stressed and to get organized. I'd like to add get pregnant to that list but I don't want to jinx myself since I rarely accomplish any resolutions I make each New Year.

Hope you all had a nice holiday and I hope 2008 brings you all success and happiness!

Small achievement....

Chris and I went grocery shopping last night and we bought some more evil sticks. I couldn't control myself this morning and I peed on one. Finally, after 5 years and 8 months, I saw a very, very faint 2nd line. Chris confirmed there was indeed 2 lines. He is very optimistic. I'm trying to be hopeful but bad news on Monday is going to hurt badly. I at least know my hcg went up from Thursday. We shall see.

Update...

This is hell. My hcg level is 25. It went up 9 points only. They would have liked to see it double. I would have liked to see that happen too. I finally get my BFP and there is absolutely nothing to be happy about. I will never ever go through IF treatments this close to Christmas. I'm having a hard time getting things done. I don't know what to feel or what to do. I still don't know what to say.

I know there is nothing to do but take each day as it comes. I physically feel lousy. Psychologically, I'm not sure what I feel. I function ok at work but my mind drifts off. I think work is my salvation. It's comforting to help people with their problems when you don't know what to do about your own. I'm trying to expect the worst and hope for the best....just like my "Conquering Infertility" book says to do. I did POAS this morning and got ONE LINE as usual. I am a slave to the sticks. I need to go out and by more.

Why can't anything be easy?????!!!!!!!!

I don't even know what to tell any of you right now. I was so sure that I was not pg since I started bleeding/spotting on Sunday and had cramps all weekend and on and off over the last 2 days. I did stop bleeding on Monday and had some shred of hope that maybe...just maybe...I am pg.

I went for my b/w today and I got a call that my test was positive. My HCG level is 16. They like to see a level of 75-100 right now for a viable pregnancy. I have to go back on Thursday and have another blood test. If it rises, they will continue to monitor the level. If it doesn't rise or drops, then I guess that's it for this cycle. I'm sure they will tell me to stop my Prometrium and estrogen patches and we will proceed with another IVF once I recover from this one.

I spoke with the nurse on Monday about my concerns before moving on to IVF#2. I am plagued with uterine polyps and I really would like to have a Hysteroscopy and a D&C if those blasted polyps are found. I know my RE will want to do a saline sonogram in her office and go from there. I have no confidence in the sonogram. I had one last year and she didn't see the polyps but they were there and blocking my left fallopian tube. We will probably have to meet with her in order for me to convince her to take me right to the OR and forget the dam sonogram. I know she won't want to do that. I also asked if there was a better bcp for me that will allow me to start my period a few days after the last active pill. It shouldn't take 10 days to start a period after taking the last pill. I would be on a new pack and never get a period if I was using them for bcp purposes.

So for now, I need all of your prayers and sticky vibes. Maybe one of the embryos is trying to hang on in there. I have no idea if this means I am officially pg and if it doesn't remain viable, did I miscarry? I've got lots of questions to ask on Thursday. This is all so confusing. I'm praying for a Christmas miracle right now. I am expecting the worst but hoping for the best. It's all we can do!

I caved to the evil sticks!

I couldn't help myself. I POAS yesterday (Saturday) and again today. Both were BFN's. I keep getting some mild cramping and I'm hoping it's implantation cramps. Or is it AF trying to reel her ugly head into the picture?? As much as I want to remain positive, I want to protect myself from the pain of a failure on Tuesday.

I know it's a little early. Some ladies on the RESOLVE BB had negative HPT's until the day of their Beta test. Some have even had negative HPT's and positive b/w. Ugh. The madness! I keep thinking I will just know if I am pg or not. There's no real "sign" happening here.

I will undoubtedly POAS tomorrow morning and again on Tuesday. I decided I will leave our home phone number on the call back sheet instead of my work number on Tuesday so I can get home and get the call regarding the results. I'm trying to clean the house and prepare for Christmas. I have no energy to devote to my Christmas cookies this year. I'm going to try and make a few at the end of this week but I don't think there's going to be any marathon cookie baking in this house this year. I go for my 1 1/2 hour massage next Saturday. Either way, I am going to need it!

And then there were none.....

Today I got a call from the IVF nurse that none of the remaining 5 embryos matured enough to be frozen. The good news is that the 2 they transferred yesterday were excellent blasts. I was a little let down. I was hoping for at least 4 frosties for future use. Chris was let down as well. I don't think he wants to see me go through all this pain again. I'm still sore from the retrieval and it's been almost a week.

I asked when I could expect my ovaries to go back to normal. The nurse said that if I get pg, it will be weeks before they shrink back down. They like to hear complaints of pressure around the time of the pg test, it's usually a good sign. I'm assuming if I'm not pg, I will feel back to normal by 12/18-the date of my blood test. So now I'm secretly hoping to feel this pressure until sometime in January.

Last night I had the worst back pain. Tylenol was of no help. I was ready to pull my hair out. I woke up at 430am this morning with back pain and managed to fall back asleep around 6am after taking Tylenol. I didn't want to take the Percocet because I didn't think it was safe but I found out today that I can use it. I took one today. My back feels better so now I'm hoping it wasn't just my ovaries but maybe implantation cramps??? This next week is going to be torture as I'm looking for any sign of success. I can't rely on the sore breasts theory because I've had that since Wednesday from the Prometrium.

Please keep us in your prayers and send us some sticky vibes. Let's hope at least one of these embryos burrow in for a long 9 months.

Back from Transfer!

Finally, we are home! We got to the hospital at 10am like we were told but the staff was running an hour late. There were a ton of ladies who showed up for ultrasounds today at the office. The same staff who runs the morning scans in the office also does any procedures at the hospital. Chris was pacing and getting anxious because the dum dum signed up to ref 2 basketball games today starting at 1245pm. And there's a 20 minute recovery period after the procedure. There was another lady having her ET before me. I had to empty my bladder and keep drinking water, 3 times. My Valium also wore off as I was being wheeled into the OR room.

Before we went into the OR room, they put a warm blanket around my back like a shawl. I told Chris after in the recovery room that I felt like the Virgin Mary on my way to my Immaculate Conception. Maybe the Valium was still there, I don't know. But the Feast of the Immaculate Conception was yesterday...hmmmm....it worked for my friend Michele H.

Chris had to get garbed up in scrubs, a hat and booties. He looked so cute! The stretcher I was on converted into a regular pelvic exam table. The middle bottom comes out and the sides fold into stirrups. This way you don't have to move after the transfer and can lie flat for 20 minutes. That was pretty cool to me. In my 17 years as a nurse, I have never seen anything like it. I amuse easily.

The procedure went fine once they got the right speculum. I know enough to ask for a particular one that fits my anatomy best but of course, they didn't have one in the OR room. The RE tried with the regular one and realized I was right (duh) after I bent Chris's ring from squeezing his hand so tight. They managed to find a longer speculum( not the one I usually prefer) and once it got situated, I could at least breathe and relax. The RE told me I should get the gold star for the day. I wanted to say, "why don't we just get the right speculum and forgo all this torture!"

They transferred 2 blasts. One was high grade and one was top grade. The lab tech told us that the embryos have not completely matured as of this morning but these were the 2 that looked the best. There are 5 more high grades. If they make it to tomorrow and look good, they will freeze them. We will get a call with an update tomorrow.

So now I rest. I have the next 2 days off of work for good measure. We have come too far to not take extra precautions. Now begins the 2 week wait/2 week worry/2 week torture/2 week delirium. We have all kinds of names for this on the RESOLVE board. It's the hardest part of this journey. I'm sure I will break down before my b/w date and POAS! I would love to see 2 lines....just once!

2nd Fertilization Report

The long awaited call from the lab came this morning just as I was putting conditioner in my hair in the shower (of course).....11 embies have survived and 7 of them are high grade/quality (not sure of the lingo). So we will have a 5 day transfer on Sunday! I never even imagined or hoped for a 5 day transfer. This is unreal!

Today I finally came to my senses and stayed home from work. They had someone to cover for me anyways and yesterday I had to leave early. The pressure in my pelvis is still there. Everyday it's a little bit better but the fullness is so uncomfortable. I realize now I really should have stayed home Wednesday and Thursday. If I had a job where I could sit at a desk for most of the day, it would have been tolerable. Yesterday there was no place to sit on the unit. I did call the IVF nurse and asked her if this was normal. All the info they gave us said to expect some "mild cramping". Ha! Never had that. Felt more like a bowling ball wanted to come out my ass. (sorry, but it did!). The nurse said since my symptoms seemed to be improving slowly I didn't need to be seen today. She said that they use the word "cramping" but many women describe it as pressure. I also spoke to a few ladies on the RESOLVE bulletin board who also had the same pressure after a retrieval so I don't feel so alone. Today I am taking Percocet and Motrin and plan to lounge most of the day.

Fingers are crossed we have 2 excellent blasts on Sunday. I will be on bedrest Sunday and Monday. Tuesday, I will be taking it easy and will return to work on Wednesday. Then once again we will be waiting....the hardest part of all.

Fertilization Report

Well, out of the 24 eggs only 12 of them fertilized. It's still a great number and we are happy. Considering my age, 24 eggs is a lot and I was expecting that most of them would not be a good quality. Sometimes it's better to have less eggs of better quality. But in the scheme of everything, we'll take what we can.

It hit me today that we sort of have 12 kids growing in the lab!!! If 6 or more make it to Friday, they will likely do a 5 day transfer on Sunday. This would allow the embryos to grow into blastocysts and increase our chances of success. If there are less than 6 on Friday, I will be having my embryo transfer at 11am. I will be awake for this. It's similar to the IUI's I've had. They gave me some valium to take if I want to. I'm pretty sure I am going to take it. It will help me when I get home to stay on bedrest.

Today I was still in quite a lot of pain. It feels like I have a grapefruit sitting in my pelvis. I was walking kind of funny mostly when I first got up from sitting. I went to work thinking the walking would help and took Motrin all day. When I got home, I took 2 Percocets and now I realize I should have stayed home and taken the Percocet. It works much better. I don't know why I always feel compelled to go to work. I guess it's habit.

So now we wait till Friday morning. The lab will call us and let us know how our embies are doing and when the transfer will be. I'm fine with either day. The sooner the little guys and girls get back into me where they belong, the better I will feel. We will know sometime the week before Christmas if this IVF was a success or not. I don't think I have to tell anyone that every Christmas since 2002, this was all I wanted. Maybe this will be the year. Only God knows....

Back from Retrieval

I am home from my egg retrieval and very sore but we got 24 eggs!!!!!!!!!!!! That was more than I was hoping for! I started to cry when the embryologist came in with the number. Let's keep our fingers crossed there are some good quality eggs in the bunch.

I had more pain than I expected. I just took some Motrin with toast and I am going to get some sleep if I can. Tomorrow we will get a fertilization report from the IVF nurse and we'll go from there. We may even be able to do a 5-day blastocyte transfer which has a higher chance of success than a 3-day embryo transfer. Still keeping our fingers crossed. Now we need your help in sending us "good quality embryo vibes"!

Oh my....I think I might explode....

I think I jinxed myself by saying I felt good. I took my trigger shot (HCG) at 8:30pm last night as ordered. I woke up today and felt great. Then by 4pm today, I am completely aware of where my ovaries are and just how big they are! My pants even feel snug. I can't wait to get to the surgery center and get this show on the road! Fingers and toes are crossed for lots of good quality eggs to work with!

I'm Ready!!!!

WOW!!! I went for my u/s and b/w this morning on my way to work. I have 10-12 follies ready to go!! My RE called me and told me to take the trigger shot tonight and be at the IVF surgi center on Tuesday at 730am! It only took 6 days of stims. I feel pretty good considering how big my ovaries are. I get tired by the end of the day and have some lower abdominal discomfort but that's it.

This is the farthest we have gotten with IVF. I'm excited yet a little nervous about Tuesday. I had to work this weekend and I'm still at work now. It was hard to contain my excitement this morning. Thankfully there were a few people around who know of my efforts to conceive so I got to blab to them.

I have tomorrow off and will be off on Tuesday as well. I plan on taking it easy. If all goes well, we may be looking at an embryo transfer on Friday. Please send us "good follicle vibes" for Tuesday!