Beginnings....

Here I sit in the middle. It began back in 2002, April to be exact. Our path to parenthood has taken a few turns and hit a few bumps in the road. How we got to this point still blows my mind. And I can't help but wonder, "What am I doing here???"
I'm trying desperately to become a mom. It's so damn easy for everyone else. I'm not used to failure either. I like to do things right the first time. Most of this is out of my control and that's something else I like to be in, control. I'm sure Chris would agree with this.
So here's my first ever blog, documenting my journey into the world of infertility treatments with the goal of becoming a mom. But first, here's a little background as to how we got to this point in our lives.....

One year into our marriage, I went off my birth control pills (bcp) with the hopes of becoming pregnant that year. I knew I had irregular periods and PCOS (polycystic ovarian disease) but I didn't know that it could make you infertile. I found out from a new OBGYN just how bad I had it. But there was hope with some medication. So I took Glucophage for a while. Nine months later, still wasn't pregnant and if I continued on it, I thought I might need a colostomy soon (sorry, TMI). We tried clomid next. I at least got periods every month after using the clomid but never pregnant.
We then started talking adoption. We knew others who had adopted. They were all happy with their decision and since Chris was adopted, it seemed the natural thing to do. I was actually relieved when we got going with the paperwork. We thought we wanted to go to China, but we decided to stay in the USA and adopt here. We were officially waiting in March 2006. We almost had a baby boy in June. So close and yet so far. In September 2006, the adoption agency calls and tells us they are closing their doors to the adoption program and we will have to go elsewhere. Starting over with paperwork was not going to be fun. Plus we were losing money. We then found ourselves at a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) office out of desperation and here we are today.

So with no more plans to adopt, I entered the world of infertility (IF) treatments. My body decided to do it's own thing and I could not get a period back in October 2006 to save my life. Every cycle hinged on day one of your period. After doubling up some hormone pills, I had a whopping period. I went for a vaginal ultrasound (get used to them, they're equivalent to having your BP taken at your doctor's office) and my uterus didn't look right. My RE wants to do a Saline Sonogram. I had one before and it was horribly painful and I swore when I left my OBGYN's office after the procedure that I would rather die of uterine cancer than go through this again. I don't sleep much the night before the second one. So the day before Thanksgiving, I find myself in the stirrups with lots of motrin on board, having a saline sonogram. As I'm lying there on my back, I realized that my last one was 2 days before Christmas (kind of weird that tomorrow is Thanksgiving) and I got bad news back then. Polyps. Now here I was, expecting the same. This time the sono was much more tolerable. I must say that the RE did a fanatastic job. And, NO polyps! I got the green light to take my clomid. I was going to have my first Intraunterine insemination (IUI). I was so sure that I would get pregnant this way. How could you not??? I went for a few more ultrasounds and then got a shot in the arm to make me ovulate. About 12 hours after the shot, I got nauseas, my abdomen swelled up and I felt sick. I went for my IUI the next day. It was easy and mostly painless once you get past the evil speculum. I was so sick that day, I spent it on the couch. I couldn't eat and could barely tolerate a sip of water. Now I realize what I had was Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). But no one explained what this was to me and I had no idea that my ovaries could cause GI symptoms. I felt ill and had abdominal distention for 10 days. I wondered if this really all worth it.
In 2 weeks, I get my period and all the home pregnancy tests I did were negative (I suddenly found something I could ask for as a stocking stuffer-I think I'm addicted to those sticks!). I go for blood work and my estrogen level is high so I have to sit out a month. I went for my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) since we didn 't have time with the first cycle. I lose sleep the night before not knowing what the heck to expect. I take 800mg of Motrin and find myself waiting in radiology forever. The Motrin is wearing off. I finally get called in. One of the RE's from the office is doing the test. Once again I'm flat on my back and realize that tomorrow is New Year's Eve (wtf). The speculum goes in followed by a catheter. It's actually quite painless. The worst was the betadine swabs, they burned like hell. The Dye gets injected and there are the blasted polyps!!! And my left tube is blocked because of them. I was so let down. I knew this meant another D&C. My RE was on vacation so I wouldn't hear from her till next week.

I finally had to call the office almost 3 weeks later as I didn't get a call. Yes I was forgotten. That's when I realized that this office is huge and I must stay on top of things. My RE calls me at home that night. She was very nice and we made plans for a D&C and Hysteroscopy.

I had no worries this time since I had the same procedure a year prior to this one. Unfortunatley, I had a horrible anesthesiologist and I'm not sure what they gave me but I left the hospital unable to pee and woke up stiff and sore all over. It was so bad the next day, I was incontinent of urine since I couldn't empty my bladder and I couldn't get up! I was out of work until Thursday before I was halfway normal and could function. Now I have something else to worry about if I need another D&C.

So on to IUI#2. Another failure. IUI#3 , the same. So then we move on to injectable meds. They at least bring some hope to me that this might work. Chris comes to the injection class with me. Yes,he is the class clown. He even bends the needle they gave us to practice on the dummy. I know at this moment that he won't be given me any shots, thank you. When I find out these meds are going to cost a little over $400/month, I nearly faint. I finally rationalize that it's a small price for a baby.

The next 2 IUI's with injections are a bust. The med works great. Very little side effects and after only 6 days my follicles are big enough to take the trigger shot. Once again, I pee on a stick(POAS) and get one line. I did a few more with the same results and then get my period.

Which brings me up to now. I was about to start IUI#6. I've been having this left ear pain off and on, noticed my slight left facial droop was back and kept feeling pins and needles in the left side of my face. So I finally decide it's my ear and go to see my PCP. Next thing I know, I'm having an MRI of my brain and my fertility treatments are on hold till we know what's going on. I apparently have had a viral infection in my ear and my left facial cranial nerve is inflammed causing all these problems. Now he thinks I never had Bell's Palsy back in 2005 when I first noticed a slight facial droop. So I'm on Acyclovir for a week. I'm sitting out this cycle but on bcp's so beginning of August we will be doing cycle IUI#6. After we fail #7, we can FINALLY move on to IVF. This was why I went to the RE in the first place. I had no idea my insurance would make us do IUI after IUI.

There's always hope that one of these IUI's will work. I just can't understand how so many have failed. Are my eggs ok? Poor quality? These are things I guess we will find out with IVF. A part of me doesn't want to know but we've come this far. I'm thinking about having a few tag sales to cover the cost of the meds. I've learned that one month's supply of meds at current dosage can get me through 2 cycles. My little secret for now.