Good progress....

Had some b/w today and my E2 is in the 300's. The message from the IVF nurse is that I am responding well. I must be on target. I have no idea what kind of numbers are "normal" during an IVF stim cycle. So far I feel ok. Some diarrhea (sorry, TMI) but I think it's from the antibiotics. My abdomen is pretty purple from the injections. It's quite a bit of fluid in the syringe once you mix the 3 medications together and it itches and burns like crazy for about 15 minutes after I inject. I go for an u/s and more b/w on Sunday morning. I'm working this weekend ( and I was worried about this way back when!) which will work out wonderfully since I will be up early anyways. I know....everything happens for a reason.

OMG!!!! I'm in shock!!!

My E2 was 55 today!!!! I can't believe it dropped that much over the weekend!! I got the call to go ahead and start my stims tonight! I could not believe my ears! I carried my cell phone with me all day and of course the call comes when I have no signal to my phone. I heard a funny beep and saw I had a message. I was so angry this morning when I woke up. I was prepared for more bad news. When I got to the office to pick up my lab slip, it wasn't there. They"forgot" to fill it out. That just set the mood for the day. I was so ready with my list of questions and never had to ask them.

I do wonder if a level of 55 is good enough for a successful IVF but the nurse really sounded upbeat. I will get an opportunity to ask some lingering questions at my next u/s. Tonight, we both start the antibiotic. Chris is thrilled. I go back on Thursday morning for b/w to see how I am responding. I will be able to work this weekend and my assistant boss told me she would cover for me when I need time off. I finally feel some peace. I am so grateful to have an opportunity to try an IVF cycle. At least we may get some answers as to why we failed 6 IUI's and answers as to my egg quality. It may open Pandora's box but I'd rather have concrete answers to deal with than the unknown.

On a side note.....for those of you who know our adoption saga....I received a letter today from Brightside looking for a "donation" for their needy children. Didn't we "donate" $3000 last year?? It seems to me we did. Even though they said it was for "services rendered", all the employees we worked with got their paychecks weekly. It wasn't like they needed the money to pay the adoption staff for their services. Needless to say, I won't be donating to them. And it was only addressed to me, not Chris, which made it even more humorous. "Let's pull on the heart strings of the infertile women who were trying desperately to adopt a child and become mothers who sadly never got their wish because we closed the doors since we are a Catholic agency and will not allow gay couples from Massachusetts to adopt." Maybe I do still have a little anger in me. But it felt so good to let that out!

Feeling numb....

I'm not expecting any miracles tomorrow with my blood work. There is really nothing I can do to change my estrogen level. I wish I had an explanation for it and a plan to get it lower. I did learn on the Internet, that Lupron can cause an initial increase in your hormone levels (including estrogen). I wonder why they didn't keep me on it longer the first time around since my level had come down to the 60's. I have so many questions. The nurse who calls me tomorrow is going to be sorry she was the one who had to call me with my results.

On the surface, I'm ok but deep down inside I feel sick to my stomach. I decorated for Christmas this weekend but had no real desire to do it. I never really cried when I found out another cycle had failed yet not being able to start an IVF cycle has reduced me to tears. How many times are we going to try this protocol and fail before the RE realizes this isn't working? That will be question number 1 tomorrow.

I can't find anything to explain what a high estrogen level may indicate other than a cyst left over from a previous cycle. Of course, the RE would be mad to learn that I'm searching the Internet for answers. I can't help myself. The need to know and have concrete answers is killing me inside!

We shall see what tomorrow brings......

Disappointment once again....

This morning I went for my baseline u/s and b/w. My u/s looked good. My estrogen level was 109. Too high once again. I just don't get it. I cried at work. I had to run to my office and pull myself together. They want me to stay on the Lupron and come back Monday for another blood test. Why? Is it really going to drop over 50 points by then? Let's be real. I can't help but think IVF is not for me. Maybe they just want to make some money off my insurance.

I know for sure I am NOT taking the same lousy bcp's again. I have so many questions. I am going to leave my cell phone number on Monday so I can talk to someone and not play phone tag. Should I be on a larger Lupron dose? Are my eggs dead? Is this a sign of poor quality eggs?
I don't know. This roller coaster rides sucks and I want to get off. One minute you're euphoric with hope and the next minute it's like someone stuck a knife in your heart.

Tonight I am going on the Internet to search for ways to lower one's estrogen level. I'm not sure there is anything one can do in the short term. I am trying to buy meat with no hormones added and I tried soy milk but yuck. My sister-in-law told me to try organic milk. I'm going to give it a whirl.

My stepdaughter Sam is here. I don't want to be a drag while she's here. I need to pull myself together and move on. We'll see what Monday brings.

Seeing red.....

Ok...I think AF is here! I called the IVF voicemail and left a message before I left work. They should call tomorrow with when to come in for my baseline check. I'm hoping they tell me to come Friday morning. I would like to sleep in on Thursday! I love my sleep.

I may not get on here again before Thanksgiving so I wish you all a wonderful Turkey Day! Cori and Sam are coming down tomorrow and should be here when we get home from work. It will be nice to finally see them. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday! I'll be posting on Friday when I have my lab results and u/s. Keep your fingers crossed we get the green light!

Waiting as usual....

My last bcp was Monday and still no sign of AF. I was hoping to be ready for my baseline u/s and b/w by tomorrow but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. It takes so long to start a period on these bcp's. I have got to ask for another kind if I need to use them again. It used to never take this long when I was on Ortho-Tricycline. At the most, I got a period in 3 days after the last active pill. I'm on Desogen 28 now. I'm thinking it's a lower dose of estrogen/progesterone than other bcp's and there's probably a reason they use this brand but the waiting is brutal. It says in my IVF book that they like to start stims on the weekends. This way, most of the retrievals and transfers happen on weekdays instead of weekends. They may not have me start stims until after Thanksgiving which is fine but it will really screw up the schedule at work. No matter how many times they tell me at work not to worry about it, I can't help myself. I hate leaving them short staffed. And I told myself I wasn't going to worry this time around.

I at least got my approval from the insurance company extended until December 31st. There is plenty of time to get through this cycle. Is this really going to work??? I'm trying to stay positive. Yet I want to prepare myself for a let down. There's a 50/50 chance of success with the first IVF. People tell my I am lucky. I hope they are right.

Here we go again!

I started my Lupron injections again last night. Let's hope we have better luck this time around. My complexion started to look better so I'm a little worried my estrogen level is high. Maybe it's just from the bcp's. I'm hoping. I got a big old hive at the injection site but it went away in about an hour. It happened the last time and each injection after the first got less irritating. Thank goodness I'm not allergic to these!

I've done some reading about estrogen levels. My lowest level I ever had was 52. I'm not sure that's low enough to have a successful IVF. I'd love to see one in the 20's or 30's. My FSH has been fine which is a big indicator of menopause. I'm not sure how PCOS affects these levels. It's something I am going to ask at my next appointment. I guess the real test will be with the stimming drugs and seeing how I respond. The nurse told me the protocol I'm on works very well for PCOS patients who had no luck with IUI's. Fingers are crossed.

I checked out that infertility relaxation program. I think I just want some meditation CD's. The program was a little too earthy crunchy for me. There's not enough information regarding the CD for sale. Some of the ideas offered regarding parties and creating art pieces is not for me. Creating a bracelet to commemorate my journey would be ok but throwing paint on a canvas to let out my emotions is a bit over the top for me. I can just let them out on Chris! Just kidding.

I am off to finish laundry them hit the mall to do some more Christmas shopping. I refuse to go near the mall after Thanksgiving. It's just crazy. And where do all those people come from??? Even on weekdays. It's nuts. Some people thrive on it. I can't stand it. My goal is to have all my shopping done by Thanksgiving. I may just make it this year. Plus, if we actually get through an IVF cycle, and we are not pg, we will find this out mid December. If the tree isn't up and gifts aren't bought, I'm not sure I will have much left in me to be festive. If we are pg.....then there will be so much less to do and more time to relax and enjoy!

Happy November!

Time seems to be flying by! Doesn't it always seem that the last 3 months of the year are a blur? This is the month that we will hopefully complete our first IVF cycle. I really don't want to get ahead of myself like I did last month. I am really trying to just let things happen this time. My only dilemma that I can foresee happening is needing to be off of work the first weekend of December. I only work 3-4 weekends a year and my last weekend of 2007 could fall smack dab into my ER and ET. I tried to switch weekends with some coworkers but they already had plans and appointments they couldn't change. I was lucky that I found 3 coworkers who will work for me both days if I need them off. I will owe them a favor in the future that I will be happy to return when they need me to.

I have been reading a lot about stress and infertility. It's no surprise that IF causes stress but there are IVF studies that show that woman with higher stress levels were less likely to become pg than those with less stress. God knows (and Chris) that I am a stress magnet! I found a CD advertisement in my RESOLVE magazine for a "psychological treatment plan to optimize and support your treatment cycle". I'm going to see how much it costs and if it's reasonable I think I'm going to try it. I went for my 1 1/2 hour massage today. That definitely helps. I don't want to go more than once a month because I think if I did, it wouldn't feel as great as it does if you go too often. There's a counselor available for all the IVF patients at my clinic but I'm not sure that sitting there talking to someone would actually make me feel better. I think I would benefit from more action and less talk. I really should start up on the treadmill again too but I keep coming up with excuses.

Next Friday I will start Lupron again. I'm pretty sure that the cyst I had ruptured last Sunday as the sudden pain in my right lower abdomen brought me to my knees. The next day, my complexion started to deteriorate. A hopeful sign that my estrogen level is falling. Today, my skin looked horrible as usual. I was actually glad to see it! Perhaps this pack of bcp's has finally done the trick.