A very sad Christmas Eve....

Around 12 noon I got the call from the IVF nurse that my HCG level was only 36 and this pregnancy was not viable. I had a brief meltdown and pulled myself together because I had to. Work was a nightmare which maybe turned out to be a good thing. I called Chris and gave him the bad news. He was much more optimistic than I and when I got home later that day, he wasn't sure he was "ok" with the news. It hit him hard.

I believe I officially had what they call a chemical pregnancy. I had implantation but the embryo did not develop properly. It's more known in someone going through IF treatments because everything is so timed and we are always POAS and running to a lab for b/w that we know the second when we are pg. Most women would never know they had implantation and would just think they were having a heavier than usual period that month.

We made it through Christmas. I'm kind of glad it's over. I couldn't even drink on Christmas because I felt guilty knowing there was something, viable or not, growing inside of me. I think I will feel more closure to this once I get AF and I have an hcg level of 0. I have to call when AF starts and they will have me come in for b/w. I made an appointment to meet with the RE on 1/24/08 to discuss my concerns about my uterine polyps and my request for another D&C. The nurse indicated to me on the phone that polyps are usually not a big deal with implantation but I still feel that maybe they had something to do with this failure. I didn't get a feeling that my request would be honored. I know my RE does not like to take people to the OR unnecessarily. She's going to have to convince me beyond belief that my lining is not an issue. We'll never know why it happened. That's the part that sucks.

Now I'll be glad to see this year go away. I'm not looking forward to another birthday but that's something else I don't have any control over. Chris bought me lots of relaxation and meditation CD's for Christmas. I think he's trying to tell me something. My 2008 goal is to be less stressed and to get organized. I'd like to add get pregnant to that list but I don't want to jinx myself since I rarely accomplish any resolutions I make each New Year.

Hope you all had a nice holiday and I hope 2008 brings you all success and happiness!