BFN

I figured that 6 HPT's couldn't all be wrong. IVF#2 has failed. After all the drama I was really hoping for a happy ending. So was my RE and the IVF nurses. They really try to soften the blow of the news when they call but I already knew. On Wednesday, the IVF team meets and reviews all the cases. I will get a letter in the mail in a few days with recommendations for the next cycle. Yes, there will be another cycle despite all that has happened.

Chris wants to look into adoption. I cried my eyes out on the phone with him after the IVF nurse called. He has a valid point that it can't hurt for us to look and gather info from different agencies and have some paperwork on hand. I think it's easier to take each failure if you have another plan on the horizon. I still can't believe that 2 IVF cycles failed. It scares me to think I may never have a child. And then I worry about adoption, what if we don't get approved? And what if we never get chosen? I wish I could wake up and feel good about living childless. I know a few people who made that choice and they are very happy with their lives'. I just can't imagine my life without a child at this point. I can't see my life beyond a child right now and that scares me. My life is basically "on hold" until I get pg. I know deep down we should be doing more, travelling more, going out more. Instead our lives revolve around doctor appointments, ultrasounds, blood work, injections, etc. I don't even want to book a trip because it may interfere with a cycle. Chris has plans to go to Maryland for work in June and now I'm thinking our next ER may happen that month. Oy. I guess we'll cross that bridge when it happens.

This makes me want to throw that damn meditation CD out the window. And drink tons of caffeine. Never thought I would give that up. I've indulged quite a bit on Easter candy today so I guess that's enough. And I'll use the CD on another cycle. I will admit my body wasn't in the best condition the day of the transfer because of the bleeding. I'm also thinking my eggs aren't the best quality anymore. I'm hoping a different protocol of medications will make a difference. We'll see.